Why I Don’t Want to Have Sex With You: A Wife’s Honest Perspective
It’s hard to say this to you, but it’s even harder to live it every day. You’ve noticed that I don’t want to have sex with you anymore, and I know you’re hurt and confused. Maybe you think I’ve stopped wanting sex altogether, that it’s about my body, hormones, or something going on in my life that I’m not sharing. The truth is much harder to say, but you deserve to hear it.
It’s not that I don’t want sex — I just don’t want it with you. And before you take that as a personal insult or an attack, let me explain. This isn’t about your looks or your body. It’s not about physical attraction. It’s about who you’ve become to me — or more accurately, who I’ve come to see you are. Over time, I’ve realised that you haven’t done the work to stay connected with me, to be a partner I admire, respect, and desire. And until that changes, nothing in the bedroom will.
It’s Not About Sex — It’s About the Relationship
Sex isn’t just a physical act; it’s deeply tied to how I feel about you, about us, and about myself in this relationship. Intimacy is built on emotional connection, mutual respect, and trust. When those things are missing, sex starts to feel like just another obligation — or worse, something I resent.
When we first got together, I felt seen, heard, and loved by you. We were a team, equals in every way that mattered. But somewhere along the line, that balance shifted. I started carrying more of the weight — emotionally, mentally, and physically — and you started letting me. Maybe you didn’t notice it happening, or maybe you thought it was normal. Either way, it’s created a distance between us that I can’t ignore anymore.
Who I’ve Realised You Are
I don’t look at you the way I used to, and it’s not because you’ve changed physically. It’s because I’ve started to see patterns that I can’t unsee. You’ve let me take on more and more of the responsibility in our relationship, and you haven’t stepped up to share the load. It’s not just about the chores you don’t do or the things you forget — it’s what those things represent.
Every time I have to remind you to clean up, to take care of something for the kids, or to remember an important date, it feels like my time and energy matter less than yours. Every time I’ve brought up how overwhelmed or unhappy I am, only to have my feelings dismissed or ignored, it tells me that my emotional well-being isn’t as important to you as your own comfort. And every time I’ve had to put my needs aside to prioritise yours, it’s chipped away at my respect for you — and my desire to be close to you.
Respect Is the Foundation of Desire
For me, desire doesn’t come from nowhere. It’s built on how I feel about you as a person and as a partner. Respect is the foundation of that desire, and without it, attraction fades. Over time, I’ve stopped seeing you as someone I admire and want to be close to. Instead, I see someone who’s let me carry the weight of this relationship while taking my efforts for granted.
It’s hard to feel attracted to someone when you feel like they don’t see or value you. And it’s even harder to want to be vulnerable and intimate with someone who feels more like a burden than a teammate. That’s where we are now — and it’s not just about sex. It’s about who you’ve become to me.
The Invisible Labour You Don’t See
One of the biggest sources of my frustration — and the reason I feel so distant from you — is the invisible labour I carry every day. You might think everything is fine because I’m not constantly complaining or nagging you, but that’s because I’ve learned to manage things on my own. I shouldn’t have to remind you about basic responsibilities or carry the mental load of planning, organising, and managing our life together. That’s not what a partnership is supposed to be.
When you leave the emotional and logistical work of our life to me, it sends a clear message: your time and energy matter more than mine. It might not be intentional, but it’s how it feels. And over time, that feeling turns into resentment.
Resentment is the enemy of intimacy. It builds walls between us that make it impossible for me to feel close to you. And when I don’t feel close to you, I can’t feel desire for you. It’s not because I’ve changed or lost interest in sex — it’s because the conditions for desire aren’t there anymore.
What You Don’t See About Emotional Labour
It’s not just about the chores or the tasks you overlook — it’s about what those things represent. Every time I have to take care of something you forgot or didn’t notice, it reinforces a feeling that I’m alone in this relationship. It’s not just physical labour — it’s the mental and emotional toll of always being the one who has to remember, manage, and fix everything.
When I try to bring this up, it often feels like you don’t take it seriously. You might say I’m overreacting or that I’m making a big deal out of nothing. But for me, it’s not nothing — it’s a constant reminder that I can’t rely on you in the ways that matter most.
Why Intimacy Feels Impossible
When I don’t feel supported, respected, or seen in our day-to-day life, it’s impossible for me to feel connected to you in the bedroom. Intimacy requires vulnerability, and vulnerability requires trust. Right now, I don’t feel like I can trust you to show up for me in the ways I need.
This doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I want our relationship to end. It means I need things to change. I need you to understand how your actions — or inactions — have impacted me, and I need you to take responsibility for your part in why we’re here.
What Needs to Change
If we’re going to rebuild our connection, it’s going to take real effort. I need you to do the work to become someone I can admire, respect, and feel close to again. Here’s what that looks like:
1. Step Up as a Partner
Start noticing what needs to be done and taking responsibility for it without being asked. This isn’t just about doing chores — it’s about being an equal partner in every aspect of our life together. Take on the mental load of planning and managing, and show me that you value my time and energy as much as your own.
2. Listen Without Defensiveness
When I share my feelings, don’t dismiss them or try to fix the problem right away. Just listen and try to understand where I’m coming from. I need to feel like my emotions are valid and important to you, not something to be brushed aside.
3. Show Me You See Me
Acknowledge the work I do and the effort I put into our life. Gratitude goes a long way in making me feel valued and appreciated. It doesn’t have to be grand gestures — small, consistent acts of recognition matter just as much.
4. Commit to Growth
This isn’t something you can fix overnight, and it’s not just about changing a few behaviours. It’s about committing to being a better partner every day. That might mean going to therapy, reading books about relationships, or just having regular conversations about how we can improve together.
5. Reconnect With Me
Intimacy doesn’t start in the bedroom — it starts in the small moments of connection throughout the day. Spend time with me, talk to me, and make an effort to get to know who I am now. I need to feel like you care about me as a person, not just as your wife.
Why I’m Saying This
I’m telling you this not to hurt you, but because I care about us and want things to get better. I don’t want to live in a marriage where I feel distant from you, and I don’t think you do either. But if we’re going to fix this, it has to start with you recognising how your actions — or lack of actions — have brought us here.
What Relationships with Lasting Desire Have in Common
You might think that this dynamic is inevitable in long-term relationships — that passion and desire naturally fade over time. But that’s not true. I’ve seen examples of couples, even well into old age, who still share a spark, a connection that keeps their love alive. These relationships don’t endure because of luck or because the partners are perfect; they endure because both people continue to put in the work to stay connected, respectful, and emotionally present.
Lasting desire in long-term relationships is not about physical appearance or the frequency of sex — it’s about the quality of the relationship itself. Relationships where desire lasts into old age share these key traits:
1. Mutual Respect
Desire thrives on respect. In enduring relationships, both partners see and treat each other as equals. They recognise each other’s contributions, value each other’s time, and actively avoid behaviours that dismiss or diminish their partner’s worth. When respect is alive, attraction can endure.
2. Emotional Safety
Couples with lasting desire create an environment where both partners feel safe to express their feelings, needs, and vulnerabilities without fear of judgment or dismissal. Emotional safety allows for deep intimacy, which forms the foundation for lasting attraction.
3. Shared Responsibilities
In these relationships, the labour — physical, mental, and emotional — is shared. Both partners take responsibility for the household, the relationship, and the family. This balance eliminates resentment and fosters teamwork, which strengthens connection.
4. Curiosity and Growth
Long-lasting couples stay curious about each other. They never stop learning about who their partner is, what they love, and what they dream of. They grow together, adapt to life’s changes, and prioritise shared experiences that keep the relationship fresh and exciting.
5. Gratitude and Appreciation
Lasting relationships are filled with moments of gratitude. Both partners take the time to acknowledge each other’s efforts, large and small. They show appreciation for the ways their partner enriches their life, making them feel seen and valued.
6. Investing in Connection
These couples prioritise connection, not just during major life events but in everyday moments. They make time for one another, even in busy seasons of life, and they continually invest in maintaining their bond through conversation, shared activities, and physical touch.
When you see an older couple still holding hands, laughing together, and enjoying each other’s company, it’s not just a product of time spent together — it’s the result of effort, care, and mutual respect built over years. Their intimacy is not just physical; it’s a deep connection rooted in partnership and love.
Why This Matters
These traits aren’t exclusive to a select few “lucky” couples — they’re choices that any couple can make. If we want to have a relationship that stands the test of time, with desire and connection that lasts into old age, we need to prioritise these things now.
You may feel that what I’m asking for — shared responsibility, emotional connection, respect, and growth — sounds like hard work. It is. But it’s the kind of work that builds a relationship where intimacy isn’t just possible — it’s natural. If we both commit to these principles, not only can we restore what we’ve lost, but we can also create something even stronger, something worth holding onto for the rest of our lives.
