The Hidden Cost of Raising Son’s in A World That Hates Male Vulnerability.
What International Men’s Day Teaches Us About Equality and Our Shared Humanity
As a feminist and a mother to three sons, I’m no stranger to the complexities of navigating gender issues in a world shaped by patriarchy. While much of my work focuses on empowering women to step into their power, my role as a mother has also made me acutely aware of the damaging messages young boys receive about what it means to be a man. Boys are told to be tough, suppress their emotions, and define their worth by their achievements — expectations that ripple out to affect families, relationships, and society as a whole.
However, discussions around men’s well-being often face resistance, in part because of a certain breed of toxic, misinformed misogynist who uses this topic — and occasionally International Men’s Day — to amplify harmful narratives. These individuals co-opt conversations about men’s issues not to heal or uplift but to reinforce outdated power structures. They weaponise men’s struggles, blaming feminism for every challenge men face and perpetuating division rather than working toward solutions. This toxicity makes it harder to have meaningful discussions about men’s mental health, emotional well-being, or healthy masculinity without it being seen as an attack on women.
This is not the world I want for my sons — or for anyone’s children. We need to reclaim these conversations from those who sow division and instead focus on building a future where everyone can thrive. True equality isn’t a zero-sum game; it’s about creating space for all genders to break free from harmful stereotypes and live authentically. By doing so, we help not only our sons and daughters but also the communities they will shape.
Why Does International Men’s Day Feel Overlooked?
Every year, International Men’s Day comes and goes with little fanfare. Unlike International Women’s Day, which is marked by global events, corporate campaigns, and widespread media attention, IMD often feels like an afterthought. Why is that?
For one, there’s a perception that men, as a group, don’t need advocacy. Historically, they’ve held systemic privileges, so the idea of dedicating a day to their struggles can feel unnecessary to some. But this perception misses the nuance. While men, as a group, have benefited from patriarchal systems, this doesn’t mean individual men don’t face immense pressures and challenges within those same systems.
Men are more likely to die by suicide, less likely to seek help for mental health struggles, and often discouraged from expressing vulnerability. The rigid ideals of masculinity — be strong, don’t cry, provide at all costs — trap many men in cycles of emotional isolation and stress. These challenges don’t exist in opposition to women’s struggles; they’re deeply intertwined.
Feminism and International Men’s Day: Complementary Goals
As someone who advocates fiercely for women, I see no contradiction in also acknowledging the importance of IMD. Feminism, at its core, is about equality. It’s about dismantling harmful systems of power that have oppressed women for centuries — but it’s also about breaking down rigid gender roles that harm everyone. Patriarchy, while oppressive to women, also places impossible expectations on men, defining their worth by outdated notions of strength, dominance, and stoicism.
Supporting International Men’s Day doesn’t detract from feminism; it complements it. By addressing the pressures men face, we can create a healthier, more compassionate world for everyone. When men are free to express their emotions, to embrace caregiving roles, to seek help without shame, it not only benefits them but also strengthens families, workplaces, and communities.
What I Want for My Sons
As a mother to three sons, I want a better world for them. I want them to grow up in a society that values their humanity over their ability to conform to outdated stereotypes. I want them to know it’s okay to cry, to ask for help, to choose careers or lifestyles that fulfill them — even if they don’t align with traditional notions of masculinity.
I’ve seen firsthand how the pressures of masculinity can weigh on boys and men. They’re told to be tough, to suppress their feelings, to measure their worth by their achievements or income. These messages are insidious, shaping how they view themselves and how they interact with the world. And I know that if we don’t address these expectations, they’ll carry that weight into adulthood, where it may manifest as anxiety, anger, or a sense of disconnection.
As a feminist and a mother, I feel a profound responsibility to advocate not just for my daughter, granddaughters or other women but for my sons as well. I want them to live in a world where they can be their authentic selves, free from the chains of toxic masculinity.
The Overlap Between Men’s and Women’s Challenges
One of the most important lessons feminism teaches us is that gender issues are interconnected. The same systems that devalue women’s contributions also silence men’s vulnerabilities. Toxic masculinity, for example, is not just harmful to men; it creates an environment where women are more likely to experience violence or inequality. Similarly, when men are conditioned to suppress their emotions, it often leaves their partners, friends, and families to shoulder the emotional labour in their relationships.
By addressing the unique challenges men face, we’re not detracting from the work of empowering women. We’re strengthening it. For example:
- Mental Health: Men are disproportionately affected by suicide, often because societal norms discourage them from seeking help. When we break down these norms, we create space for men to heal, which in turn strengthens the emotional dynamics in their families and communities.
- Healthy Masculinity: Encouraging men to embrace vulnerability and caregiving doesn’t just benefit them — it promotes equality in relationships, allowing women to share responsibilities and experience greater freedom in their own lives.
These overlaps remind us that advocating for one gender’s well-being doesn’t mean neglecting the other. It’s about creating a world where everyone can thrive.
The Misconceptions Around International Men’s Day
One of the reasons IMD often goes unrecognised is the skepticism surrounding its purpose. Some view it as a reactionary “counter” to International Women’s Day, or worse, as an attempt to downplay the ongoing struggles women face. But this couldn’t be further from the truth.
IMD is not about denying the need for women’s advocacy — it’s about addressing the specific challenges men face. These include:
- High suicide rates and untreated mental health issues.
- Stigma around vulnerability and emotional expression.
- Pressures to conform to traditional provider roles, even at the expense of personal happiness.
Recognising these challenges doesn’t minimise the fight for women’s rights; it broadens the conversation about what true equality looks like. It reminds us that no one benefits from a system that forces people into rigid, harmful roles.
A Call to Action
International Men’s Day isn’t just a day to celebrate men — it’s an opportunity to challenge the status quo. It’s a chance to talk about what healthy masculinity looks like, to support men in breaking free from harmful stereotypes, and to create a society where everyone — regardless of gender — can thrive.
Here are a few ways we can honour this day:
- Foster Open Conversations: Encourage men to talk about their mental health, their fears, and their dreams without fear of judgment.
- Challenge Stereotypes: Speak up when you hear phrases like “man up” or “boys don’t cry.” These words reinforce harmful ideas about masculinity.
- Promote Healthy Role Models: Celebrate men who defy traditional stereotypes — men who are nurturing fathers, supportive partners, or advocates for equality.
- Support Gender Equity: Recognise that the fight for gender equality is a shared journey. Advocate for policies and practices that benefit everyone, from paid parental leave to mental health resources.
A Shared Path Toward Equality
As someone who has spent her life advocating for women, I see International Men’s Day as a reminder that equality is not a zero-sum game. The systems we’re fighting against don’t just harm women — they harm everyone. By addressing the unique challenges men face, we’re not taking the spotlight away from women’s struggles; we’re broadening the conversation and working toward a world where everyone can live authentically, free from outdated expectations.
For my sons, for my daughter and granddaughters, and for all of us, I want a world where vulnerability is celebrated, where kindness is valued over toughness, and where equality truly means equity for all. International Men’s Day is a step in that direction — and a reminder that we’re all in this together.
Author’s Note
Kali English is a feminist, human behaviour specialist, and mother to three sons, one daughter and several grandchildren. She is the Chief Vision Officer of Liminal Coaching and Positive Psychology, where she empowers women to live their big lives while advocating for holistic well-being for all.
