The Art of Receiving Feedback: Finding the Gold While Setting Boundaries

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Feedback is an essential part of growth, both personally and professionally. It serves as a mirror, reflecting our actions, behaviours, and attitudes back at us, offering us an opportunity to see ourselves from another’s perspective. This external viewpoint can be invaluable, revealing blind spots and helping us evolve. Yet, the process of receiving feedback is not always straightforward. The challenge lies in discerning the useful insights from the noise, particularly when the feedback is delivered by someone unskilled in giving it. It’s crucial to navigate this terrain with an open mind while also setting firm boundaries to protect oneself from being shamed.

The Importance of Feedback in Personal Growth

Feedback is akin to a compass, guiding us on our journey of self-improvement. Without it, we might remain unaware of the habits and behaviours that hinder our progress. Constructive feedback helps us recognise areas where we can grow, learn, and adapt. It’s a fundamental component of any learning process, whether in the workplace, in relationships, or in personal development.

Being open to feedback is a sign of maturity. It demonstrates a willingness to listen, reflect, and make necessary changes. This openness fosters a growth mindset, where challenges are seen as opportunities to improve rather than threats to one’s ego. Moreover, it creates a culture of continuous improvement, where individuals and teams alike strive to become better versions of themselves.

However, the value of feedback is not solely dependent on the receiver’s openness but also on the skill of the giver. The ability to provide constructive, empathetic, and actionable feedback is not innate; it’s a skill that must be developed. Unfortunately, many of us have received feedback from people who lack this skill, and navigating such feedback requires a nuanced approach.

The Challenge of Unskilled Feedback

Throughout our lives, we’ve likely encountered feedback that was less than constructive. Perhaps it was delivered harshly, was vague, or was laden with personal bias. Unskilled feedback can leave us feeling confused, demotivated, or even attacked. The key issue with such feedback is that it often fails to consider the recipient’s feelings, context, or the need for actionable insights.

Unskilled feedback can take many forms:

• Vague Feedback: Comments like “You need to be more proactive” or “You’re not meeting expectations” without specific examples or suggestions for improvement.
• Personal Attacks: Feedback that focuses on the individual rather than their actions, such as “You’re too sensitive” or “You’re just not good at this.”
• Overgeneralisation: Statements like “You always…” or “You never…” which paint the recipient in a negative light without acknowledging nuances.
• Biased Feedback: Feedback that is influenced by the giver’s personal biases or emotions, rather than being objective and fair.

While it’s easy to dismiss unskilled feedback, doing so entirely could mean missing out on potentially valuable insights. The challenge is to sift through the noise, identify the nuggets of truth, and use them to inform your growth.

Finding the Gold in Feedback

Even in the most poorly delivered feedback, there can be valuable insights. The task is to extract the “gold” from the dirt. This requires a combination of self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and critical thinking.

1. Pause and Reflect: Before reacting to feedback, take a moment to pause and reflect. Ask yourself what the person is really trying to say. Is there a kernel of truth in their words, even if it was delivered poorly? Reflection allows you to distance yourself from any initial emotional response and approach the feedback with a more objective mindset.
2. Ask for Specifics: If the feedback is vague, don’t be afraid to ask for specific examples. For instance, if someone says, “You’re not meeting expectations,” ask them to clarify what specific actions or outcomes they’re referring to. This not only helps you understand the feedback better but also signals to the giver that you are serious about improving.
3. Consider the Source: The credibility of the feedback often depends on the source. Consider the giver’s expertise, relationship with you, and potential biases. Feedback from a trusted mentor or colleague may carry more weight than feedback from someone who doesn’t fully understand your role or challenges.
4. Separate the Message from the Delivery: It’s easy to dismiss feedback that is delivered harshly or clumsily. However, try to separate the content of the feedback from the way it was delivered. Even if the delivery was poor, there may still be valuable insights in the message.
5. Look for Patterns: One-off comments might not be very meaningful, but if you receive similar feedback from multiple sources, it’s worth paying attention. Patterns in feedback can highlight recurring issues that may need to be addressed.
6. Use Feedback as a Starting Point: Rather than seeing feedback as a final judgment, use it as a starting point for further exploration. Engage in a dialogue with the feedback giver or seek out additional perspectives to gain a fuller understanding of the issue.

Setting Boundaries: Recognising and Rejecting Shame

While it’s important to remain open to feedback, it’s equally crucial to set boundaries to protect yourself from harmful or shaming feedback. Not all feedback is given with good intentions, and not all of it is useful. Recognising when feedback crosses the line into shaming is a vital skill.

Shaming feedback is often characterised by:

• Humiliation: Feedback that aims to embarrass or belittle you, often in front of others.
• Judgment: Feedback that comes across as judgmental, suggesting that you are inherently flawed or inadequate.
• Lack of Empathy: Feedback that shows no understanding or consideration of your feelings or circumstances.
• Aggressive Delivery: Feedback delivered in a harsh, condescending, or aggressive manner.

When feedback crosses into shaming, it’s important to set firm boundaries. Here’s how you can do that:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: If feedback makes you feel shamed, it’s important to acknowledge those feelings rather than suppress them. Feeling shamed can trigger a fight-or-flight response, but recognizing this can help you manage your reaction.
2. Respond Assertively: It’s okay to push back against shaming feedback. You can respond assertively without being confrontational. For example, you might say, “I appreciate your feedback, but I find the way it was delivered to be unhelpful. I would like to understand your concerns better, but in a more constructive manner.”
3. Seek Support: If you’re regularly receiving shaming feedback, especially in a work environment, it may be helpful to seek support from a mentor, HR, or a trusted colleague. They can provide perspective and help you address the issue.
4. Know When to Walk Away: Sometimes, the best response to shaming feedback is to disengage. If the feedback is consistently unconstructive and damaging to your self-esteem, it may be necessary to distance yourself from the source, whether that means reducing interaction with a particular individual or even changing environments if possible.
5. Reaffirm Your Self-Worth: Remember that feedback is just one perspective, not an absolute truth. Reaffirm your self-worth and remind yourself of your strengths and achievements. Don’t let shaming feedback define your self-perception.

Conclusion

The journey of personal and professional growth is often accompanied by feedback, both solicited and unsolicited. While being open to feedback is essential for growth, it’s equally important to approach it with discernment. Not all feedback is created equal, and it’s our job to sift through it, finding the valuable insights that can propel us forward while setting boundaries to protect ourselves from shaming.

Learning to navigate feedback with grace and wisdom is a skill that can significantly impact our lives. By being open to constructive feedback, we invite opportunities for growth and improvement. At the same time, by setting boundaries, we protect our self-worth and ensure that our journey of self-improvement is driven by empowerment, not shame. In the end, the art of receiving feedback lies in striking this delicate balance, ensuring that we grow stronger, wiser, and more resilient along the way.