Sometimes it IS you who needs to change!

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“That’s Just Who I Am”: When Change is Necessary

Have you ever found yourself in a conversation where someone responds to feedback with, “That’s just who I am”? Perhaps it’s a colleague resisting accountability, a partner deflecting conflict, or even yourself in a moment of defensiveness. On the surface, it sounds like a statement of self-acceptance, but more often than not, it’s a shield — protecting the speaker from the discomfort of introspection and the challenge of change.

At its core, this phrase is often less about embracing one’s identity and more about avoiding the vulnerability required for growth. And yet, personal development necessitates change. Growth demands we challenge “who we are” to become who we could be.

But when should you change? When is it truly you that needs to evolve, and when is the issue external? Let’s unpack this.

Understanding the Roots of “That’s Just Who I Am”

Before dismissing this phrase as an excuse, it’s worth exploring where it comes from. Often, it is rooted in fear: fear of rejection, inadequacy, or losing a sense of identity. For many, it’s a reaction to feeling criticised, where self-protection takes precedence over self-reflection. It may also stem from societal narratives that glorify being unapologetically “you,” confusing self-acceptance with a refusal to grow.

However, self-acceptance and self-improvement are not mutually exclusive. In fact, they should coexist. True self-acceptance involves recognising both your strengths and areas where you could grow.

Balancing Authenticity with Growth

A common argument against change is the desire to remain authentic. It’s a valid concern — after all, authenticity is a cornerstone of self-esteem. However, authenticity doesn’t mean staying static; it means being honest with yourself about who you are and who you want to become.

Growth is not about abandoning your core values but about aligning your actions with those values. For example, if kindness is important to you but your stress responses come across as dismissive or curt, working on your communication skills doesn’t make you inauthentic — it makes you a truer reflection of your values.

When it is YOU!

Knowing when it’s you who needs to change requires a combination of self-awareness, reflection, and openness to feedback. Here are some steps to help you identify when the need for change lies within you:

1. You Notice Repeated Patterns

• What to Watch For: Similar issues or conflicts keep arising in your life, whether in relationships, work, or personal habits.
• Example: You consistently struggle with deadlines, or you’ve had repeated feedback about being dismissive in conversations.
• What It Means: If the same challenges appear across different contexts, it’s a sign that the common denominator — your behavior, mindset, or approach — might need adjustment.

2. You Receive Consistent Feedback

• What to Watch For: Multiple people, especially those you trust, point out similar areas where you could improve.
• Example: Friends, colleagues, or family members suggest you struggle with listening or overreacting under stress.
• What It Means: Repeated feedback from different sources likely indicates a blind spot rather than a one-off opinion.

3. Your Relationships Are Strained

• What to Watch For: Conflict, miscommunication, or emotional distance in your relationships that isn’t resolved by blaming external factors.
• Example: You feel misunderstood by everyone, or you’ve noticed that people hesitate to share honest thoughts with you.
• What It Means: If the tension is widespread, it could indicate a behavior or attitude that’s unintentionally affecting others.

4. You’re Not Achieving Your Goals

• What to Watch For: Feeling stuck or failing to make progress despite setting clear goals.
• Example: You keep making the same resolutions or plans but don’t follow through on them.
• What It Means: It may not be external circumstances holding you back but rather habits, limiting beliefs, or fear of change.

5. You Feel Stuck or Unfulfilled

• What to Watch For: A sense of dissatisfaction, boredom, or frustration with your life.
• Example: Your job feels unaligned with your passions, or you’re dissatisfied in your personal life but unsure why.
• What It Means: Feeling unfulfilled often stems from internal blocks, such as outdated mindsets, lack of clarity, or fear of stepping out of your comfort zone.

6. Your Values and Actions Don’t Align

• What to Watch For: A disconnect between what you say matters to you and how you behave.
• Example: You value honesty but often avoid difficult conversations, or you prioritize health but struggle with unhealthy habits.
• What It Means: Misalignment between values and actions signals a need for change to achieve congruence and integrity.

7. You Avoid Feedback or Constructive Criticism

• What to Watch For: Feeling defensive, dismissive, or overly sensitive when someone offers feedback.
• Example: You respond to criticism with excuses or statements like, “That’s just how I am.”
• What It Means: Resistance to feedback often points to areas where you feel insecure or know you need to grow but are reluctant to face.

8. You Keep Blaming External Factors

• What to Watch For: Frequent focus on external circumstances or other people as the source of problems.
• Example: Saying, “My boss doesn’t appreciate me,” or “People just don’t understand how hard my life is.”
• What It Means: While external factors do matter, persistent blame-shifting might indicate avoidance of accountability for your own actions or choices.

9. Your Habits Are Harming Your Well-Being

• What to Watch For: Behaviors that negatively affect your mental, emotional, or physical health.
• Example: Stress eating, procrastination, or relying on unhealthy coping mechanisms like avoidance or substance use.
• What It Means: These habits often reflect deeper issues that need addressing for your overall well-being.

10. You Resist Change or New Opportunities

• What to Watch For: Fear of trying new things or stepping outside your comfort zone.
• Example: Turning down opportunities for growth because they seem too challenging or risky.
• What It Means: Fear of failure or discomfort with change might be holding you back from evolving.

When It’s Not You

While self-improvement is crucial, it’s equally important to recognise when the problem isn’t you. Societal expectations, toxic environments, or unhealthy relationships can also make you question your worth or feel the need to change when it’s unwarranted.

1. You’re Being Asked to Conform Unfairly
   Sometimes, people weaponise the concept of change to enforce conformity. If feedback asks you to suppress your individuality or values, it’s worth questioning whether the change aligns with your authentic self.
2. You’re in a Toxic Environment
   If your workplace, relationship, or community consistently drains you or makes you feel inadequate, it might not be you that needs to change but your environment.
3. The Feedback is Misaligned
   Not all feedback is valid. Consider the source: is the person offering constructive insights, or are they projecting their insecurities or biases onto you?

How to Approach Self-Reflection

Change starts with self-awareness. Here are some strategies to help you discern when it’s you and when it’s not:

1. Ask for Specific Feedback
   When someone says, “You need to change,” ask for clarity: “Can you give me an example of what you mean?” This shifts the conversation from abstract criticism to actionable insights.
2. Evaluate Patterns
   Look for recurring themes in feedback or conflict. If multiple people point out similar behaviours, it’s worth examining them. Patterns often reveal blind spots.
3. Reflect on Your Values
   Align feedback with your core values. If a change helps you live more authentically, it’s worth pursuing. If it compromises your integrity, it’s not.
4. Seek Outside Perspective
   A coach, therapist, or trusted friend can provide a neutral perspective and help you separate constructive criticism from unwarranted judgment.
5. Embrace a Growth Mindset
   Adopt the belief that abilities and traits can be developed. Seeing yourself as a work in progress makes change less daunting and more empowering.

Practical Steps for Change

1. Identify the “Why”
   Before embarking on change, understand why it’s important. What impact will it have on your relationships, career, or well-being?
2. Start Small
   Change doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Focus on one behavior or habit at a time. For example, if you struggle with defensiveness, practice pausing before responding in heated conversations.
3. Celebrate Progress
   Acknowledge small wins along the way. Growth is a journey, and every step counts.
4. Be Patient
   Change takes time and effort. Be kind to yourself during setbacks, and remember that progress isn’t linear.
5. Commit to Lifelong Learning
   Personal development is ongoing. Embrace opportunities to learn about yourself through experiences, relationships, and challenges.

How to Determine if it is YOU!

1. Engage in Honest Self-Reflection
   Take time to journal or think deeply about recurring challenges and how you contribute to them. Ask yourself, “What role am I playing in this situation?”
2. Seek Feedback
   Approach trusted friends, family, or mentors for insights about your behaviour. Use open-ended questions like, “How do you experience me in our interactions?”
3. Identify Patterns in Feedback
   Notice if the same feedback comes from multiple sources. This often highlights areas for growth.
4. Assess Emotional Triggers
   Reflect on moments when you feel defensive or dismissive. These reactions can point to areas where you’re avoiding self-awareness.
5. Evaluate the Costs of Staying the Same
   Consider how your current habits, attitudes, or beliefs are serving you — or holding you back. If the cost of staying the same outweighs the discomfort of change, it’s time to act.

How to Begin the Process of Change

• Adopt a Growth Mindset: Believe that change is possible and view feedback as an opportunity rather than criticism.
• Start Small: Focus on one area to improve at a time to avoid overwhelm.
• Get Support: Work with a coach, therapist, or mentor to guide your growth journey.
• Be Patient: Change takes time and requires consistent effort.

Ultimately, recognising when it’s you who needs to change isn’t about self-blame; it’s about self-empowerment. Growth starts with acknowledging your role in your challenges — and deciding to step into your potential. When approached with curiosity and compassion, change becomes a gift you give to yourself and those around you.

The Power of Change

Embracing change is not a rejection of who you are but a celebration of who you can become. It’s a process of shedding what no longer serves you and stepping into your potential. And while it can be uncomfortable, it is also profoundly liberating.

The next time you catch yourself or someone else saying, “That’s just who I am,” pause and ask: Is this true? Or is it an opportunity to grow? Because sometimes, the most authentic thing you can do is to let go of who you’ve been to become who you’re meant to be.

In the end, change isn’t about losing yourself — it’s about finding the best version of you.