Growing Apart: A Curious Reflection on My Ex-Husband
My ex-husband and I spent this Christmas caring for our adult daughter and granddaughter. We hadn’t planned to spend the holiday together, but circumstances brought us into the same space for the sake of our family. It was pleasant enough — familiar in some ways — but it also made me pause and wonder how we ever thought we were so well-matched. Was it a product of youthful naivety? A case of seeing what I wanted to see? Looking at him now, I’m struck by how vastly different we are, and how little of him resonates with the person I’ve become.
Were We Ever Aligned?
It’s strange to think that at one point, I was certain we were perfect for each other. But as I reflect on those early days, I can’t help but wonder if that certainty came from immaturity rather than true compatibility. Back then, I was focused on the future we could build together, filling in any gaps in our connection with optimism and sheer determination. I wanted a partner, a teammate, someone to navigate life’s challenges with. Perhaps I mistook shared goals for shared values.
Looking at him now, I see a man who is steady, pragmatic, and content with the world as it is. And while there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, it feels utterly foreign to me. I’ve grown into someone who questions, challenges, and seeks deeper meaning. These days, his way of seeing the world doesn’t just differ from mine — I find it profoundly unattractive. I can’t believe I ever thought we were so aligned.
The Shifting Landscape of Growth
What’s fascinating to me now is how differently we’ve grown over the years. Growth is inevitable, but it’s not always synchronised. I’ve spent much of the last 13 years in pursuit of self-awareness, personal development, and spiritual growth. He’s grown too, but in ways that reflect stability and practicality rather than introspection or transformation. It’s not that one path is better than the other; it’s that our journeys have led us to entirely different destinations.
Back when we were married, I’m not sure I even had the language to articulate what I wanted from life. I was discovering myself as we built a life together, and in many ways, I used our relationship as a framework for understanding who I was. But now that I’ve done the work to know myself better, I can see that who I’ve become doesn’t fit with who he is — and perhaps never did. Our relationship moulded me into someone I’m not, in fact it prevented me being who I wanted to be and could be.
A Different Kind of Connection
This Christmas highlighted just how little we have in common these days.
Our circumstances Necessitated some deeper conversations, on topics that we may never have broached under normal circumstances and all they did was reveal the chasm between us, the lack of a common ground, understanding or world view. When he spoke about his views on the world, I felt a pang of discomfort. It’s not that his perspective is wrong; it’s just that it feels so disconnected from my own. There’s no spark of understanding, no resonance. Instead, there’s a quiet acknowledgment that we now inhabit entirely different worlds.
I’m not angry about this — not anymore. The pain of growing apart has long since faded. What remains is a sense of curiosity. Was he always this person, and I simply couldn’t see it? Or has he changed in ways that feel alien to me now? Either way, the man I once thought I’d grow old with is no longer someone I can imagine sharing my life with.
What I See Now
One of the most striking realisations this Christmas was how my attraction to him has shifted. His practicality and steadfastness, which once felt reassuring, now feel stifling. His worldview, rooted in tradition and simplicity, feels limited compared to the expansive, questioning lens through which I now see the world. I used to admire his straightforward approach to life, but now it feels unimaginative and lacking in insight or curiosity— a quality I find difficult to reconcile with my own need for depth and exploration.
This isn’t to diminish who he is. He’s still a good man, a caring father, and a doting grandfather. But the qualities that once drew me to him are no longer what I value most. It’s a strange thing to look at someone you once loved deeply and feel so little alignment with who they are now.
The Lessons of Difference
What this Christmas reinforced for me is that relationships are as much about timing as they are about compatibility. Perhaps we were well-matched once, in the context of who we were at the time. Or perhaps we simply wanted to be. Either way, it’s clear that the person I am today would never choose the person he is today. And that’s okay. There’s no bitterness in that realisation — just an acknowledgment of how far we’ve both come and how different our destinations have been.
This experience has also deepened my appreciation for the relationships I have now. It’s a reminder to seek out connections that reflect who I am in the present, rather than clinging to who I was in the past. It’s a call to honour the growth I’ve experienced and to embrace the people who resonate with that growth.
Moving Forward
Spending Christmas with my ex-husband was, in many ways, a mirror. It reflected back to me not only how much we’ve changed but also how much I’ve grown. I no longer see our differences as a source of pain but as a testament to the paths we’ve chosen. He’s chosen his, and I’ve chosen mine. And while those paths may have diverged long ago, they’ve both brought us to where we are meant to be.
As I move forward, I carry this sense of curiosity with me — curiosity about who I am, who I’m becoming, and the connections that will shape my future. The past is a part of me, but it doesn’t define me. And for that, I am grateful.
