Awakening to Real Love: How my Understanding of What Love is has Evolved.

In our twenties, many of us view relationships through the lens of idealism, influenced by romanticised portrayals in media and our limited life experiences. We often believe that love alone is enough to sustain a relationship, expecting it to be easy and natural. However, as we navigate through life, our understanding deepens, revealing that successful relationships require a complex interplay of respect, justice, trust, emotional safety, vulnerability, and genuinely liking who the other person is.

The Naivety of Youth

In my twenties, I thought relationships were easy. This period was marked by a sense of invincibility and a belief that love was all-encompassing. I believed that as long as there was love, everything else would naturally fall into place. This naivety led to many misunderstandings and unmet expectations. I was immature and had no idea what it truly took to make a relationship work.

Love, in its purest form, seemed like an unending reservoir that could overcome any obstacle. However, I soon realized that while love is a vital component, it is not the sole ingredient in the recipe for a successful relationship. The cracks began to show when love was not enough to bridge the gaps created by a lack of respect, trust, and understanding.

The Awakening to Real Love

As I grew older and experienced more of life, I began to understand that real love requires a foundation of respect. Respect is not just about admiration; it is about valuing your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and individuality. It is about acknowledging and appreciating their strengths and accepting their flaws. Without respect, love can quickly turn into resentment and contempt.

Justice in a relationship means fairness and equality. It means that both partners have an equal say and that their needs and desires are considered equally important. In my younger years, I often found myself compromising my own needs to please my partner, thinking it was a sign of love. However, this imbalance only led to frustration and a sense of being undervalued. True justice in a relationship ensures that both partners feel valued and heard, creating a balanced dynamic where both can thrive.

Trust is another cornerstone of a healthy relationship. It is the belief that your partner will act in your best interest, that they are reliable and honest. In my twenties, I took trust for granted, assuming it would naturally be present if we loved each other. However, trust must be earned and maintained through consistent actions and open communication. Without trust, the foundation of the relationship becomes shaky, leading to insecurity and doubt.

The Importance of Emotional Safety

Emotional safety is a critical component that I had never considered in my younger years. It is the assurance that you can be your authentic self without fear of judgment or harm. In a safe relationship, both partners feel free to express their true selves, share their deepest fears and dreams, and show vulnerability. This emotional safety creates a deep bond, allowing for genuine intimacy and connection.

In my twenties, I often hid my true feelings, fearing that they would cause conflict or disappointment. This lack of openness prevented the development of a deeper connection and led to a sense of isolation. Learning to create and value emotional safety in a relationship has been a transformative experience, allowing for a more authentic and fulfilling connection.

Embracing Vulnerability

Vulnerability is often seen as a weakness, but in reality, it is a strength that fosters intimacy and trust. Being vulnerable means opening yourself up to the possibility of hurt, but it also allows for genuine connection. In my younger years, I equated vulnerability with weakness, believing that I needed to be strong and self-reliant. This belief created barriers to intimacy, as I was unable to fully share my emotions and fears with my partner.

Embracing vulnerability has been a crucial step in my journey towards understanding what makes a relationship work. It requires courage to share your true self, but it also allows your partner to see and understand you on a deeper level. This mutual vulnerability creates a strong bond, fostering trust and emotional intimacy.

Liking Who the Other Person Is

Beyond love, it is essential to genuinely like who the other person is. This means appreciating their character, values, and personality. It is about enjoying each other’s company and respecting each other as individuals. In my twenties, I often confused love with infatuation, focusing on superficial qualities rather than truly understanding and appreciating my partner’s character.

As I matured, I learned to value the importance of liking who my partner is as a person. This involves appreciating their quirks, respecting their values, and enjoying their company. It means building a relationship based on mutual respect and genuine affection, rather than just physical attraction or fleeting emotions.

Building a Foundation for Lasting Relationships

Understanding these concepts — respect, justice, trust, emotional safety, vulnerability, and genuinely liking who the other person is — has been a transformative journey. It has allowed me to build more fulfilling and resilient relationships, where both partners can grow together and support each other through life’s ups and downs.

1. Respect: Valuing your partner’s individuality, strengths, and flaws creates a foundation of mutual admiration and appreciation. It fosters a sense of equality and partnership, allowing both individuals to feel valued and respected.
2. Justice: Ensuring fairness and equality in the relationship means that both partners have an equal say and that their needs and desires are considered equally important. This creates a balanced dynamic where both can thrive and feel valued.
3. Trust: Building and maintaining trust through consistent actions and open communication creates a sense of security and reliability. Trust is the glue that holds a relationship together, allowing for a deep sense of connection and intimacy.
4. Emotional Safety: Creating an environment where both partners feel free to express their true selves, share their deepest fears and dreams, and show vulnerability fosters a deep bond and genuine intimacy.
5. Vulnerability: Embracing vulnerability as a strength allows for genuine connection and intimacy. It requires courage but also fosters a deep sense of trust and emotional intimacy.
6. Liking Who the Other Person Is: Appreciating your partner’s character, values, and personality creates a relationship based on mutual respect and genuine affection. It means building a relationship on a solid foundation of understanding and appreciation.

The journey from youthful naivety to a deeper understanding of what makes a relationship work is a transformative one. It involves unlearning old beliefs, embracing new concepts, and continually growing and evolving as individuals and as partners. By focusing on respect, justice, trust, emotional safety, vulnerability, and genuinely liking who the other person is, we can build relationships that are not only loving but also resilient, fulfilling, and deeply connected.

In the end, real love is not just about passion and romance; it is about building a partnership based on mutual respect, understanding, and genuine affection. It is about creating a safe space where both partners can be their true selves, support each other’s growth, and navigate life’s challenges together. This journey of understanding is ongoing, but it is one that leads to more meaningful and lasting connections.